Success is Launched in Winter – Part 4

2 03 2011

 

 

 

Sessions with the Farmer’s Wife:
Conventional Wisdom for Contemporary Life

February 18, 1984:  In afternoon, Jim and Karla went to Selmer and Ann to look at the 2 houses. Their conclusion was that they would like to live in the larger one.
February 20, 1984: John and I had noon lunch with Selmer & Ann & presented them an offer on their property on the corner a mile east. They will be considering it further.        – Leona, Personal Journal

Jim installed laminate in much of our house

I hope you’ve been making good use of the many Winter days that have clipped by since I last wrote.  Although I had hoped to give you a few days to contemplate and make use of the earlier entries, I never intended for it to be nearly two months!  Jim and I really made the most of this actual Winter season in that we refurbished much of our house in preparation of selling it; we looked at other houses and made an offer on a short sale; we took a week-long vacation to Jamaica; and we’ve been helping with long-distance wedding plans for Anthony and Corinne who will be married in 10 days!  So although there has been no time for writing, we have been truly practicing what we preach.  And since most old photographs are packed away in a big blue trailer in hopes of moving, I’ll share some of our latest pictures instead.

Jim & I scuba diving off Jamaica

I originally mentioned 5 components to launching success.  They are:
        1. Reflect
        2. Evaluate
        3. Investigate
        4. Plan
        5. Prepare
My family has been weaving in and out of all of these phases with the various projects we’ve been making.  Today’s focus is on stages 3 & 4, Investigate and Plan. 

Leona’s journal entries are from 1984, the year Jim and I were married.  With our firstborn son’s wedding only moments away, it seems curious and appropriate that we revisit the year we were married.  Our wedding was April 14.  In February — the dates of these entries — Jim and I were at Iowa State University working on our degrees.  When we completed college in May, we planned to return to Jim’s family’s farm and begin our life there.  In order for that to happen, Jim’s parents were investigating options for us to live.  The housing market in Iowa — unlike what we face here in Colorado Springs — is really quite limited, so for there to be an acreage just a mile down the road available at this moment in time was quite fortunate.   That acreage is still owned by the farm corporation, although both of the houses that we looked at in 1984 are gone and Leona lives there in a house she and John built in the 1990s.

If you could peruse the Winter months in Leona’s other journals, you would read again and again of the farmers investigating and planning.  Winter is when the seed dealers host dinners to inform the farmers of the new seed varieties that are available for planting.  There are negotiations for buying and renting land, and also for doing custom farm work.  Machinery shows display the newest and the best of what they have to offer, as well as presenting the latest inventions to make farming more efficient.  Indoor arenas are swamped with swarms of Carhartt-clad farm families attending the annual farm exhibition demonstrating everything from the latest farm-focused computer programs to quarter million dollar combines.  All of these activities are the investigation and planning processes that are really only appropriate for Winter.  Once Spring planting hits, there are no farm shows.  You don’t have time to be buying and selling land or houses either; it would be foolishness.  But Winter, much can be learned and discovered in Winter.  Lives can change if you use the Winter of your life well.

How do these investigating and planning phases translate into real life?  First off, you need to make a few decisions about where you’re heading or at least choose some options of what you’re interested in doing.  Farmers farm, of course, so there’s a default that already provides direction for them.  But farming is very broad.  Will you raise livestock?  What crops will you plant?  Do you want to do custom work or have someone rent your land?  Many people get discouraged because they aren’t going anywhere, but if you ask them where they want to go, they have no idea.  Think of how discouraging it would be for a farmer to get to early June — a time considered nearly too late to plant — and have all bare fields because he never stopped in Winter to consider what he wanted to do with his land.  He would be laughed at by everyone.  And if no one bailed him out somehow, he likely would have no income or food for an entire year.  The same is true for those of us who are of the none-farming variety.  If you don’t have a place you intend to go, you won’t get there.  Guaranteed.

Paths of Choices

I give clients the simple arrows diagram you see here, Paths of Choices. (Click here for a .pdf version: Paths of Choices (WhiteArrows).)  The goal is to start at the top — the Results.  Decide where you want to go.  Once you determine your goal, go back to the bottom and determine, step-by-step, how to get there.  You see there is both a Foolish Choices Path and a Wise Choices Path.  Sometimes realizing where we’re heading with the foolish decisions we make will help us discover where we really want to go.  All along the Wise Choices Path, a person should investigate and gain new knowledge and information.  Just like with farming, things are always changing; there are always new options, but just because the option is “new” doesn’t mean it is actually “wise.” 

What looked to be a long, cold, dreary Winter is nearly over!  Make use of these last few days of cold, snow-laden Winter to get your mind and heart and life in order.  I’m hearing reports of robins!  They’ll be showing up in your life soon enough, too!

Grain of Truth: Don’t be deceived by Winter’s final cold days!  There are plenty of information to investigate and direction to decide before the planting days arrive!


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Success is Launched in Winter – Part 3

8 01 2011

Sessions with the Farmer’s Wife:
Conventional Wisdom for Contemporary Life

“Grieving allows us to heal, to remember with love rather than pain. It is a sorting process. One by one you let go of things that are gone and you mourn for them. One by one you take hold of the things that have become part of who you are and build again.”  — Rachel Naomi Remen, In Worden, 2009

Our last visit to Grandpa's farm before his death (July, 2009)

As I’ve been thinking about reflecting and evaluating, it occurred to me that oftentimes we look back with sadness, disappointment and grief about the past. Although today’s quote is not taken from Leona’s journal, it is not that Leona has not faced grief, but because I do not have last year’s journal in my possession. Leona – and all of our family – faced quite a season of grief beginning on August 30, 2009, when Leona’s husband, John R, my dad-in-law, died suddenly from a massive heart attack. Within the next 5 months, 3 more siblings of either John or Leona passed away, and our families were thrown into what felt like a perpetual season of grief.

Although we often correlate grief with the death of a loved one, in actuality many situations create a season of mourning. Grief comes from loss of opportunity (perhaps a feeling of deep disappointment), from loss of natural experience (such as “growing up too fast”), or from loss of something important to us (a job or a home, for example). Persons who are molested or abused lose their innocence and their safety. Society seldom recognizes these losses as moments of mourning, resulting in unresolved grief.

As you reflect and evaluate, it is important to scan for moments of unresolved grief in your earlier seasons. Are there people you love who are no longer with you – whether from death or from circumstances? Has the loss of employment, your home, your career, your hopes and dreams left you empty and numb? Are there memories haunting you that remind you every moment to not trust, to not hope, to not allow others into your world? If so, you may be dealing with unresolved grief.

J. Eric Gentry, PhD, LMHC, knowledgeable and highly respected traumatologist (www.compassionunlimited.com) has compiled information and exercises to assist a person processing through grief and mourning, whether as the result of a loved one’s death or countless other painful experiences. He indicates that grief and mourning has several “tasks” and lists them as:

         1. Accept the Reality of the Loss
        2. Process the Pain of Grief
        3. Adjust to a World without the Deceased (Object)
             a. External Adjustments
            b. Internal Adjustments
            c. Spiritual Adjustments
        4. Find an Enduring Connection with the Deceased in the
             Midst of Embarking on a New Life

If a person gets “stuck” in these tasks, the grieving process is unresolved or incomplete, which can hinder and handicap a person from moving forward in a healthy and productive manner. Don’t be mistaken, anyone who faces grief will forever be changed. This change does not need to be a debilitating force, but can transform into a life-producing energy.

Below is one exercise that may be beneficial to move you through these tasks. Please keep in mind that grieving is a very personal process and one that usually takes longer than anyone wishes it would. It is also a cyclical process where you come around again and again to address what feels like the same thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I call that the onion-layer effect; each time going a little deeper.

Also know that the past will always be with us, whereas this moment is fleeting. What I mean is be in charge of how you process and work through experiences from previous seasons. Take it a few minutes at a time. It may be helpful to use a notebook and a shoebox. Keep a brief record of your thoughts and ideas as you process through these difficult things. When it gets to be emotionally enough or when it is time that you need to get back to your present life, put your notebook in your shoebox. Set it on a shelf in your closet and close the door. Tell yourself, “I’ll come back to that when I’m ready. Right now, I’m going to live and enjoy my life.”

While this exercise is directed toward a loved one’s death, it is beneficial in processing grief from other situations; adjust the process to fit. Take time to feel, express, and be finished with the emotions and thoughts of grief.

      Write a letter to the deceased addressing the following four tasks:
          1.  Identify all the ways in which the deceased/lost caused you harm; 
                 move toward forgiveness.
          2.  Identify all the ways in which you caused the deceased/lost harm;
                move towards amends.
          3.  Articulate all the un-communicated emotional statements.
          4.  Say good bye.

John R's Funeral Flowers

    Sometimes taking an honest look back on the past seasons uncovers difficult and painful information. No one ever died from pain, so don’t be afraid of it. Also, don’t allow it to overwhelm you and prevent you from heading into the next season. On the farm, death is a normal, natural component to every growing season. If we take time during the Winters to clean up from last year, we’ll be better prepared for the next growing season, which really isn’t that far off. In order for us to launch success, Winter requires some difficult work.

Leona (right) with 4 of the Remaining Siblings - at the Time (She and her 2 sisters married John R and his 2 brothers. They've lived on their respective farms within 3 miles of one another ever since.)

As we conclude, I want you to know that I am sorry for all of the losses you’ve experienced. Leona and I both understand completely. You’ve done good work today.

Grain of Truth: There are tasks of grieving and mourning that, although difficult to process through, will help launch success in the next growing season.


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Success is Launched in Winter – Part 2

2 01 2011

Sessions with the Farmer’s Wife:
Conventional Wisdom for Contemporary Life

January 2, 1993:  Cloudy morning with brisk south breeze. I was dizzy and somewhat nauseated when I got up. John climbed up on the roof to check sewer vent and found it to be plugged. Aired house out well. Kind of wondered if there might have been a connection. Feeling much better by noon.  – Leona, Personal Journal

Leona’s journal entry for the day may seem a little odd in our discussion, and yet I find it to be a perfect example of real life problem solving, which includes our first two topics for launching success: 1) reflect, and 2) evaluate. We can’t be certain, Leona isn’t even certain, but it is quite possible that because of her reflection and evaluation (followed by John’s investigation and action) that quite a problem was averted and “productivity” was maintained. These are exactly what Winter times of contemplation are all about.

My farmers need to use their reflecting and evaluating skills.

It is rather difficult to reflect, or review the past, without simultaneously evaluating the events and decisions we’ve made. Care need be taken during this process, otherwise it is easy for some folks to critique their past with the 20/20 vision they have at the present. I once heard a counselor friend say that it is unfair to judge our past assessments with our present knowledge. We make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time. We all would have made different choices if we knew the exact results and how every situation would play out. We simply don’t have that luxury.

During the reflection and evaluation process, a farmer critiques a countless number of factors:
        *What brand and type of seed did I use?
        *Should I tile that wet spot on the East Quarter?
        *Was it the herbicide burning the beans that cut productivity?
        *Was the combine running efficiently enough or is it time to trade
                 it in?
        *Do I have enough cash flow to invest in a new piece of ground or
                 equipment or a hired hand?
        *Did I market my grain at a good time or did the prices improve later?
        *Will we get the hail we got last year and was I foolish to not
                have insurance?
The list is literally endless – and oftentimes exhausting. Now you have an idea of what keeps a farmer awake at night!

We have similar questions to ask, answer and evaluate in our worlds.
        *Is this the job for me or should I find something I love to do, even
                if I don’t get paid as much?
        *What more can I do to help my kids succeed, or am I doing too much
                for them?
        *Which friends have proven themselves faithful and a positive
                 influence in my life? Are there some from whom I should
                distance myself?
        *I’ve lost the same 3 pounds 20 times; do I really want to keep
                up that cycle?
        *Is the world around me really as vicious as I interpret it to be or
                are there some things about me that need some attention?
Again, once we get started, another endless list.

Different action plans for the same problem. (That's Anthony tunneling!)

Although this contemplation and reflection process is vital to a successful life, this can work against you if you’re not aware.  Sometimes we start wishing for “the good ol’ times” and derail ourselves from moving forward. We also tend to “bite off more than we can chew.” (Wow, almost too many adages!) However, my biggest concern is shame.

Dictionary.com offers a definition of shame as “the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another.” Shame can be an immobilizing force that prevents one from being able to evaluate clearly, and thus, makes one unable to move forward successfully. One of the difficulties of shame is that it may be an accurate indicator that something needs to be changed, or it may be a completely inaccurate sensation that must be eradicated, much like a noxious weed. It is oftentimes ingrained in a person from a very young age, either from parents’ remarks and behaviors (intentional or not) or by the child interpreting events without adequate feedback or understanding. For example, a child of divorced parents may have either been told that he was responsible for the divorce or, because of his inability to comprehend adult interactions, may have taken that responsibility – and the resulting shame – on by his own accord.

I encourage you, as you reflect and evaluate during this New Year, to review your life and your choices from an adult – almost detached – vantage point. Sort through things as if you have been invited to look into someone else’s life in order to give recommendations. Tease out what it “feels like” happened versus what truly occurred. Have you participated in something that brought you shame? If so, stop it – or enlist someone to help you stop — and, as our Christmas Spirituality blog discussed, forgive yourself. If the shame that you live in is not truly your shame to be responsible for, it is time to set yourself free.

This difficult topic is addressed in several great books that you can find online. I recommend the following:

        * Healing the Shame That Binds You
                John Bradshaw
        * Shame and Grace: Healing the Shame We Don’t Deserve
                Lewis B. Smedes
        * Shame and Guilt: Masters of Disguise
                Jane Middelton-Moz

This time of contemplation is not something in which to get utterly bogged down or overwhelmed. Although there may be some difficult ideas to revisit and reframe, we are using the Winter to plan and prepare for life. Just as Leona’s entry describes, if we discover a problem, we’ll take action to correct it, then move forward in our day-to-day adventures!

Grain of Truth: Reflecting and evaluating life is often best accomplished from a somewhat detached, logical vantage point.


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Success is Launched in Winter – Part 1

30 12 2010

Sessions with the Farmer’s Wife:
Conventional Wisdom for Contemporary Life

January 2, 1991:  Colder and snowing when we got up. -4°. We got about 4 inches of snow. Rest of day was clear and it did warm up some.  Had Jim, Karla and boys over for noon meal and we discussed salaries, etc.  I dressed in snowsuit and walked 1 mile.  – Leona, Personal Journal

The Winter of your life has been around for a while now and this morning, you wake up only to find it’s colder than yesterday and there’s 4 more inches of snow piled on your already frozen field.  It’s one of those experiences when you think it can’t get any worse…and then it does.  How will you ever accomplish anything when everything seems to go against you?  Should you go back to bed, pull the quilt over your head and hope you sleep until it’s over?  Not at all!  Remember we’re embracing Winter and gaining wisdom about living life better during this season.  If you go back to bed, you’ll miss out on the “rest of day was clear and it did warm up some.”  Besides, although the ground is too cold and hard to plant seeds, success is launched in winter.

New Year’s comes in the dead of winter, encouraging contemplation and resolutions.  This is the perfect moment to pour a cup of tea, grab a notebook and pen, and find a quiet, comfortable place to think.  In the farming days, we would sit down at the kitchen table (furnished with Norwegian cookies and Tropical Punch Kool-Aid) to discuss what decisions we made last year, which ones worked, which ones didn’t, what new options are available, what old ideas we’re going back to….hours worth of discussions, including, as Leona’s journal mentions, salaries and finances.  The immobilizing sub-zero weather outside had no effect on what was happening on the inside where it was safe, warm and full of deliberations and expectations of returning life.  Brainstorming was at full throttle!

These dialogues included several categories, all of which are applicable to contemporary life.  They are:
        1. Reflect
        2. Evaluate
        3. Investigate
        4. Plan
        5. Prepare

The next few blogs will walk through each of these topics, assisting this season of contemplation that New Year’s brings.  Gaining insight and making beneficial, efficient, healthy resolutions and plans are our goals.  It’s a good thing winter is long because we’re going to need some time to do this well.  After all, launching success is what winter is all about.

Grain of Truth: Cookies and Kool-Aid are perfect partners with New Year’s and Winter to plan for the future!


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Christmas Spirituality

24 12 2010

Sessions with the Farmer’s Wife:
Conventional Wisdom for Contemporary Life

December 24, 1984: We went to program in church in the evening. The kids did well – the musical “Three Wee Kings” went quite well. It had been a lot of work for Karla. After the program, Jim and Karla asked us over. Karla’s folks and sister Karen came for the program too and we all had a nice visit.

December 25, 1984: John and I went to church in the morning. A clear sunny day. B & S came over early afternoon and Jim and Karla also came a bit later. We had a good time together playing games etc. John and I called B & N just before noon.  – Leona, Personal Journal

It’s Christmas Eve and, no matter the weather, the temperature, or the wind chill, farm work ceases come Christmas Eve. On Thanksgiving, one may need to rush from the turkey and pie, out to the corn field to do some late season combining. Independence Day may be interrupted with some weed destruction. But not tonight. Christmas is about spiritual things, as Leona’s entries so clearly capture, and this moment is to be aware of, respect and practice positive spirituality.

The very nature and nomenclature of Christmas directs our thoughts to the birth of Jesus, God’s only son, in a smelly barn with curious happenings of angels and, eventually, Wise Men following a star to find and bring gifts to this child. Spirituality certainly encompasses our relationship with God, Himself, and spirituality comprises interactions with ourselves, others, and even the world around us. Some folks respond to the mention of spirituality with, “I’m just not a spiritual person,” which seems to be rather paradoxically improbable. It would be similar to someone announcing, “I don’t speak.” You just did. Every moment of our life is a spiritual moment, one way or the other, for better or for worse. It doesn’t go away simply because we ignore it.

My farmer & my mom making a "spiritual connection" through the giving & receiving of a John Deere tractor mailbox (1993)

Many issues that bring clients to my office are some rendition of a spiritual disconnect. Diagnoses such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), agoraphobia, personality disorders and others often have a component of spiritual calamity. J. Eric Gentry, PhD, LMHC (www.compassionunlimited.com), a knowledgeable and highly respected traumatologist, indicates that “burn-out” is indeed a spiritual crisis. If you consider a “spiritual crisis” to be an obstruction with your relationship to God, others, yourself, and/or the world around you, this accurate assessment is more clearly evident. Once we sift through all of our ideas and teachings and miscommunications about religion and beliefs systems, spirituality is a foundational and vital life component of which to be more aware in order to practice better “health.”

When I worked at the inpatient behavioral health unit, otherwise known as the psychiatric hospital, I acquired a handout about spirituality that cuts to the chase – no matter your doctrinal beliefs.

Spirituality is about being:
        • Positive and creative in all areas of my life
        • Loving and forgiving of myself and others
        • Open and welcoming of others’ opinions and views
        • Clear and committed about “walking my talk”
        • Hopeful and filled with gratitude in the face of my challenges
        • Bold and strong as I face my fears
        • Gracious and humble as I acknowledge my need for support of
                others and of my Higher Power
        • Alert and aware that there is a Power much greater than myself
                that is guiding the universe
        • Connected and attuned to this Divine Source
        • Mindful and perceptive of my need to seek purpose and meaning
                in life
        • Willing and able to give and receive love
        • Committed and disciplined in my work to stay physically,
                emotionally, mentally, and spiritually healthy
                                                        — Author Unknown

During this spiritual moment, I encourage you to set aside some time to intentionally and honestly evaluate your spirituality, to consider your life practices through the lens of these ideas as they pertain to your relationship with:
        1) yourself
        2) others
        3) the world around you (e.g., are you considering the effect you
                leave?)
        4) God

Merry Christmas from the Ver Meers!

If discussion of spiritual concepts is of further interest to you, you may enjoy my upcoming website and blog called Soul Safety. I’ll post a link when those are available. Here, we’ll talk more about the importance of using this winter season to evaluate and analyze where we are and how we got here, but for now, enjoy the spiritual moment we are experiencing, and have a Merry Christmas!

Grain of Truth: Life is spiritual.


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Categories : Agoraphobia, Burn-out, Daily Living, Mental Health Concerns, Personality Disorders, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Season

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