Sessions International

Sessions with the Farmer’s Wife:
Conventional Wisdom for Contemporary Life

January 2, 1993:  Cloudy morning with brisk south breeze. I was dizzy and somewhat nauseated when I got up. John climbed up on the roof to check sewer vent and found it to be plugged. Aired house out well. Kind of wondered if there might have been a connection. Feeling much better by noon.  – Leona, Personal Journal

Leona’s journal entry for the day may seem a little odd in our discussion, and yet I find it to be a perfect example of real life problem solving, which includes our first two topics for launching success: 1) reflect, and 2) evaluate. We can’t be certain, Leona isn’t even certain, but it is quite possible that because of her reflection and evaluation (followed by John’s investigation and action) that quite a problem was averted and “productivity” was maintained. These are exactly what Winter times of contemplation are all about.

My farmers need to use their reflecting and evaluating skills.

It is rather difficult to reflect, or review the past, without simultaneously evaluating the events and decisions we’ve made. Care need be taken during this process, otherwise it is easy for some folks to critique their past with the 20/20 vision they have at the present. I once heard a counselor friend say that it is unfair to judge our past assessments with our present knowledge. We make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time. We all would have made different choices if we knew the exact results and how every situation would play out. We simply don’t have that luxury.

During the reflection and evaluation process, a farmer critiques a countless number of factors:
        *What brand and type of seed did I use?
        *Should I tile that wet spot on the East Quarter?
        *Was it the herbicide burning the beans that cut productivity?
        *Was the combine running efficiently enough or is it time to trade
                 it in?
        *Do I have enough cash flow to invest in a new piece of ground or
                 equipment or a hired hand?
        *Did I market my grain at a good time or did the prices improve later?
        *Will we get the hail we got last year and was I foolish to not
                have insurance?
The list is literally endless – and oftentimes exhausting. Now you have an idea of what keeps a farmer awake at night!

We have similar questions to ask, answer and evaluate in our worlds.
        *Is this the job for me or should I find something I love to do, even
                if I don’t get paid as much?
        *What more can I do to help my kids succeed, or am I doing too much
                for them?
        *Which friends have proven themselves faithful and a positive
                 influence in my life? Are there some from whom I should
                distance myself?
        *I’ve lost the same 3 pounds 20 times; do I really want to keep
                up that cycle?
        *Is the world around me really as vicious as I interpret it to be or
                are there some things about me that need some attention?
Again, once we get started, another endless list.

Different action plans for the same problem. (That's Anthony tunneling!)

Although this contemplation and reflection process is vital to a successful life, this can work against you if you’re not aware.  Sometimes we start wishing for “the good ol’ times” and derail ourselves from moving forward. We also tend to “bite off more than we can chew.” (Wow, almost too many adages!) However, my biggest concern is shame.

Dictionary.com offers a definition of shame as “the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another.” Shame can be an immobilizing force that prevents one from being able to evaluate clearly, and thus, makes one unable to move forward successfully. One of the difficulties of shame is that it may be an accurate indicator that something needs to be changed, or it may be a completely inaccurate sensation that must be eradicated, much like a noxious weed. It is oftentimes ingrained in a person from a very young age, either from parents’ remarks and behaviors (intentional or not) or by the child interpreting events without adequate feedback or understanding. For example, a child of divorced parents may have either been told that he was responsible for the divorce or, because of his inability to comprehend adult interactions, may have taken that responsibility – and the resulting shame – on by his own accord.

I encourage you, as you reflect and evaluate during this New Year, to review your life and your choices from an adult – almost detached – vantage point. Sort through things as if you have been invited to look into someone else’s life in order to give recommendations. Tease out what it “feels like” happened versus what truly occurred. Have you participated in something that brought you shame? If so, stop it – or enlist someone to help you stop — and, as our Christmas Spirituality blog discussed, forgive yourself. If the shame that you live in is not truly your shame to be responsible for, it is time to set yourself free.

This difficult topic is addressed in several great books that you can find online. I recommend the following:

        * Healing the Shame That Binds You
                John Bradshaw
        * Shame and Grace: Healing the Shame We Don’t Deserve
                Lewis B. Smedes
        * Shame and Guilt: Masters of Disguise
                Jane Middelton-Moz

This time of contemplation is not something in which to get utterly bogged down or overwhelmed. Although there may be some difficult ideas to revisit and reframe, we are using the Winter to plan and prepare for life. Just as Leona’s entry describes, if we discover a problem, we’ll take action to correct it, then move forward in our day-to-day adventures!

Grain of Truth: Reflecting and evaluating life is often best accomplished from a somewhat detached, logical vantage point.