Success is Launched in Winter – Part 5

20 03 2011

Sessions with the Farmer’s Wife:


Conventional Wisdom for Contemporary Life

March 20, 1986:  Clear, sunny, cold morning. Sheldon Coop spread lime on South 80.
March 21, 1986:  Mostly sunny and warmer. First thing the guys got the combine out and caught those 8 rows of corn that had a snow bank in them. They spent most of the day in the shop, as usual.
                         •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •
March 21, 1993:  Started snowing during early morning hours. Kept at it and some churches in area cancelled services.
March 22, 1993:  Had 11 inches of snow so roads weren’t very good til snow plow came through.                                               – Leona, Personal Journals

The Pond Across Our Road is Showing Signs of Spring's Arrival

By the time I finish composing this blog, officially Winter will have concluded and Spring will have arrived. It is presently 4:08 pm and at exactly 5:21 pm, the cold, dark, dreary, oftentimes wearisome season of Winter will be over – according to the almanac, anyway.  One of the problems with Spring Equinox, however, is that the dismissal of Winter and arrival of Spring is not quite that simple, as can be seen with Leona’s entries taken from two separate years.  In 1986, “the guys” – as we called John and Jim, were actually in the field snagging a few bushels of corn that had hung on last year’s stalks all Winter long and the Coop had spread lime on a field, too.  Not so in 1993.  Sure the Spring Equinox arrived March 20, but Winter wasn’t giving up quite so easily and no one was considering doing anything in any field.

So, too, with the season changes in our lives.  The moment that the life of Spring will return is very difficult to foresee, but something for which we want to be ready.  We’ve been highlighting several important phases as we anticipated Spring’s arrival in this Success Is Launched in Winter discussion, which included:
         1. Reflect
         2. Evaluate
         3. Investigate
         4. Plan

Today we wrap up with the final phase:
         5. Prepare

The Tulips are Hoping and Preparing for Spring. They've Felt The Warmth, and They Believe the Promise!

I think one of the most important components of preparation is to remember that Winter does not last forever.  That one idea alive in your brain will propel you forward when others may give up.  This is true of other seasons, as well, and is a concept that must be respected during the good times, too.  Barbara G. Berger, the president of Food City Markets, Inc., is quoted in Donald Trump’s book as saying, “The sun doesn’t shine forever” (p. 34, The Way to the Top: The Best Business Advice I Ever Received, 2004, Crown Business, New York).  Trump rephrases that quote as “During an upturn, prepare for a downturn.”  The agricultural version would be, “Make hay while the sun shines.” 

Those ideas are for a few months off, but for now, whether it’s sunny, warm and dry, or snowy, cold, and blustery, be assured that Spring is on its way!  But for day-to-day life, what does that matter?  What does it change?  Knowing that Winter will end and one must prepare for Spring elicits hope.  I do not know a force more powerful than hope.  Hope alters one’s mind so that physical and mental healing can take place in the darkest of illness.  Hope is what allows necessity to be the mother of invention.  Hope is what drives us to take steps that will change the course of our lives.

My Raked Garden -- Preparing for Spring!

Here are a few examples, in my little life, of hope propelling me forward:
  *I packed boxes in preparation of buying a house more appropriate for my family’s phase of life
  *I wrote songs in preparation of someday being able  to record them and, potentially, benefit others
  *I went back to college in preparation of my daily responsibilities at home diminishing and being able to contribute financially with a new career 
  *I raked the garden today preparing for the sun to warm the earth and vegetables to grow again
  *I cleaned my house preparing for a showing that someone will soon buy this house
  *I treated my children with love and respect when they were young preparing  for enjoyable holidays with them and their families when they were adults
               
While this list is far from exhaustive and may sound somewhat silly, I know that there were times in my life that Winter was cold and bitter, and I had lost all hope, so there was not an ounce of preparation for Spring going on with me.

     *One summer I lay in bed hours every day, drinking Coke and eating chocolate, clinically depressed,  ruminating on how I had been betrayed by those I trusted and vowing to never leave my home again and certainly never trust again
     *In October, 1989, I was so grief-stricken by an ectopic pregnancy and death of my baby that I did not dare to hope for another child and was not at all convinced I would ever have the strength to care for the two beautiful sons we had at that time
     *When I was in college studying music, I developed nodules on my vocal chords, followed by a devastating surgery that should never have been performed, I discovered I could not speak or sing, and gave up all expectations of ever sounding normal again

Sometime We Need a Little Assistance in the Preparation Process -- Here's Jim & Marcus Preparing Anthony for His Wedding

Thankfully, in spite of my lack of preparation for Spring, the seasons changed in my life in these and all other of my Winters, so that I have seen Spring suddenly strike on the coldest and most hopeless of days.  I’ve found myself wishing I hadn’t wasted so much time and thought holding onto Winter when Spring, with all of her warmth and color, was patiently waiting to visit me.

Some Things Hope Can Never Quite Capture Until You Get There - Me with Anthony on His Wedding Day

That is my hope for you, as well.  I have no intention of minimizing the pain, the bitterness, the grief, the agony and disappointment,  the fear and loss you have experienced.  No doubt, those experiences will change your life forever.  But so that those encounters do not define your entire existence, today I remind you that Spring is coming…and may even be here already.  It might be a cold and rough entry, like 1993 was for the Iowa farmers.  Perhaps, however, it is already warm enough for you to go without a jacket.  At least step outside and see….

Grain of Truth: Sometimes we miss the warmth and color of Spring because we’re still inside, hiding from the Winter.


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Categories : Daily Living, Depression, Grief, Preparation, Season

Success is Launched in Winter – Part 3

8 01 2011

Sessions with the Farmer’s Wife:
Conventional Wisdom for Contemporary Life

“Grieving allows us to heal, to remember with love rather than pain. It is a sorting process. One by one you let go of things that are gone and you mourn for them. One by one you take hold of the things that have become part of who you are and build again.”  — Rachel Naomi Remen, In Worden, 2009

Our last visit to Grandpa's farm before his death (July, 2009)

As I’ve been thinking about reflecting and evaluating, it occurred to me that oftentimes we look back with sadness, disappointment and grief about the past. Although today’s quote is not taken from Leona’s journal, it is not that Leona has not faced grief, but because I do not have last year’s journal in my possession. Leona – and all of our family – faced quite a season of grief beginning on August 30, 2009, when Leona’s husband, John R, my dad-in-law, died suddenly from a massive heart attack. Within the next 5 months, 3 more siblings of either John or Leona passed away, and our families were thrown into what felt like a perpetual season of grief.

Although we often correlate grief with the death of a loved one, in actuality many situations create a season of mourning. Grief comes from loss of opportunity (perhaps a feeling of deep disappointment), from loss of natural experience (such as “growing up too fast”), or from loss of something important to us (a job or a home, for example). Persons who are molested or abused lose their innocence and their safety. Society seldom recognizes these losses as moments of mourning, resulting in unresolved grief.

As you reflect and evaluate, it is important to scan for moments of unresolved grief in your earlier seasons. Are there people you love who are no longer with you – whether from death or from circumstances? Has the loss of employment, your home, your career, your hopes and dreams left you empty and numb? Are there memories haunting you that remind you every moment to not trust, to not hope, to not allow others into your world? If so, you may be dealing with unresolved grief.

J. Eric Gentry, PhD, LMHC, knowledgeable and highly respected traumatologist (www.compassionunlimited.com) has compiled information and exercises to assist a person processing through grief and mourning, whether as the result of a loved one’s death or countless other painful experiences. He indicates that grief and mourning has several “tasks” and lists them as:

         1. Accept the Reality of the Loss
        2. Process the Pain of Grief
        3. Adjust to a World without the Deceased (Object)
             a. External Adjustments
            b. Internal Adjustments
            c. Spiritual Adjustments
        4. Find an Enduring Connection with the Deceased in the
             Midst of Embarking on a New Life

If a person gets “stuck” in these tasks, the grieving process is unresolved or incomplete, which can hinder and handicap a person from moving forward in a healthy and productive manner. Don’t be mistaken, anyone who faces grief will forever be changed. This change does not need to be a debilitating force, but can transform into a life-producing energy.

Below is one exercise that may be beneficial to move you through these tasks. Please keep in mind that grieving is a very personal process and one that usually takes longer than anyone wishes it would. It is also a cyclical process where you come around again and again to address what feels like the same thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I call that the onion-layer effect; each time going a little deeper.

Also know that the past will always be with us, whereas this moment is fleeting. What I mean is be in charge of how you process and work through experiences from previous seasons. Take it a few minutes at a time. It may be helpful to use a notebook and a shoebox. Keep a brief record of your thoughts and ideas as you process through these difficult things. When it gets to be emotionally enough or when it is time that you need to get back to your present life, put your notebook in your shoebox. Set it on a shelf in your closet and close the door. Tell yourself, “I’ll come back to that when I’m ready. Right now, I’m going to live and enjoy my life.”

While this exercise is directed toward a loved one’s death, it is beneficial in processing grief from other situations; adjust the process to fit. Take time to feel, express, and be finished with the emotions and thoughts of grief.

      Write a letter to the deceased addressing the following four tasks:
          1.  Identify all the ways in which the deceased/lost caused you harm; 
                 move toward forgiveness.
          2.  Identify all the ways in which you caused the deceased/lost harm;
                move towards amends.
          3.  Articulate all the un-communicated emotional statements.
          4.  Say good bye.

John R's Funeral Flowers

    Sometimes taking an honest look back on the past seasons uncovers difficult and painful information. No one ever died from pain, so don’t be afraid of it. Also, don’t allow it to overwhelm you and prevent you from heading into the next season. On the farm, death is a normal, natural component to every growing season. If we take time during the Winters to clean up from last year, we’ll be better prepared for the next growing season, which really isn’t that far off. In order for us to launch success, Winter requires some difficult work.

Leona (right) with 4 of the Remaining Siblings - at the Time (She and her 2 sisters married John R and his 2 brothers. They've lived on their respective farms within 3 miles of one another ever since.)

As we conclude, I want you to know that I am sorry for all of the losses you’ve experienced. Leona and I both understand completely. You’ve done good work today.

Grain of Truth: There are tasks of grieving and mourning that, although difficult to process through, will help launch success in the next growing season.


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Categories : Daily Living, Grief, Season, Success