Basic Skills: #1 Respecting Fences (Part 2)

31 03 2011

 

Sessions with the Farmer’s Wife:
Conventional Wisdom for Contemporary Life

March 31, 1988: Cloudy and windy.  John & Jim measured some set aside acres.                                                    –Leona, personal journal

Often when a person discovers a new idea, he will take the idea and run with it, as they say – sometimes a little overboard.  This is true of the discovery of the concept of boundaries.  All of a sudden, “No one is going to walk all over me anymore!” or “I’m not letting anyone tell me what to do again!”  While this type of response is just part of the learning process, it is important to mention that many times it is just fine to do what another person requests or even to not have an opinion about some situation.  Another topic that has received a similar response throughout the mental well-being communities is the concept of “co-dependence.”  Although co-dependence is a topic for another day, I present this link for your consideration regarding co-dependence and, if you can transpose the debate presented, boundaries.  How the Co-dependency Movement is Ruining Marriages (Willard F. Harley, Jr.)  http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cod.html

Remember that fences and boundaries can fluctuate and adjust, but first they must be established.  Even Leona’s journal gives indication that the land boundaries were adjusting this year.  “Set aside acres” were portions of a field that were not used for typical farming, but were “set aside” because of enrolling in a government subsidized program.  (That sentence has hours of heated political debate and discussion rolled into it, but since that’s not our concern presently, I’ll let you Google “set aside acres” if you want to study or debate further.)  In 1987, this same piece of ground may have grown corn or soybeans, but in 1988, things were different.  Measurements needed to be made and new boundaries, perhaps even additional boundaries, needed to be set up.

A Buffalo Requires More Solid Boundaries

A Well-Trained Horse Respecting Fences

Boundaries in relationships work the same way; occasionally they need to be adjusted.  Some folks are like the buffalo in this photo.  Notice the strong fences that are built around him and his friends.  That type of fence in relationships is created by knowing what we want and sticking to it, no matter what.  The gate in this fence is solid and locked tight so no amount off fits and tantrums can break in any closer.  If you have a buffalo in your relationships, you better build some strong limits.  However, other folks are like a well-trained horse.  The round pen in this photo could be knocked over rather quickly if there was an ornery, untrained animal corralled there.  But for a person who knows her manners, knows where she ends and you begin, and knows what is or is not hers to influence, a less sturdy boundary with a gently swinging gate is sufficient.  Such an analogy begs the question, Am I a buffalo or a well-trained horse?

A few months ago my psychologist sister, my girls and I attended a horse training seminar.  I was surprised how many of the ideas taught could be directly transposed for use in relationships.  I don’t mean that to sound at all insulting.  I think the point to note is that sometimes we are better educated about relating to our animals than we are to the people in our worlds.  I’ve never heard of an Obedience Class for Humans.  Maybe we’re on to something here.

Relationships Require Training For Both Parties

None the less, there were four points that could be borrowed from the horse seminar and used directly here.
1. Identify Your Personal Space Need:  An unruly horse that gets too close to a person is dangerous and potentially deadly.
2. Either Lack of Respect or Fear Causes All Problems:  If you teach a horse to respect you and not be fearful, almost all problems will solve themselves.
3.  Consistency vs. Inconsistency:  A horse will learn it faster and more fluently if you are consistent about what you expect.  Inconsistent expectations only confuse.
4.  If Difficulties Arise, Deal with the Root Problem, Not the Symptoms:  For example, if a horse is infringing on your personal space, he likely has not learned respect for you, which takes us directly back to Point #2.

Can you examine these on your own and translate them into relationships with humans?

Newly established boundaries can cause the new boundary-setter some angst.  When you’re used to running rampant anywhere you want, butting up against a fence can upset any creature, usually causing chaos for whoever created the limitation.  In order to make this transition as internally peaceful as possible, consider these Boundary Myths from Drs. Cloud and Townsend book, Boundaries.  Remember: These are myths, thus, they are NOT TRUE.  Each is followed by a tidbit of truth to encourage your newly found boundary-making.

Common Boundary Myths

Simple Fences Gladly Respected

1. If I Set Boundaries, I’m Being Selfish
* Our needs are our job; appropriate boundaries actually increase our ability to care about others.
2. Boundaries Area a Sign of Disobedience
* A Boundary is not a lack of submission, compassion or spiritual depth.
3. If I Begin Setting Boundaries, I Will Be Hurt by Others
* Boundaries are a “litmus test” for the quality of our relationships.
4. If I Set Boundaries, I Will Hurt Others
* Boundaries are not an offensive weapon; they are a defensive tool.
5. Boundaries Mean That I Am Angry
* Boundaries actually decrease anger.
6. When Others Set Boundaries, It Injures Me
* Inappropriate boundaries can injure us.
* An ability to accept others’ boundaries can indicate a problem in taking responsibility.
7.  Boundaries Cause Feelings of Guilt
* Just because you receive something (love, money, time) does not mean you owe something.
8. Boundaries are Permanent, and I’m Afraid of Burning my Bridges
* Your ‘no’ is always subject to you.
* Even God negotiated and changed boundaries.

Peace & Safety for Mom & Baby

Although creating boundaries may be a difficult idea to establish, once they are, peace and safety are typical benefits.  To investigate these ideas of boundaries further, grab a copy of Boundaries.  Next time we’ll dig into the next Basic Skill of communication.

Grain of Truth: Healthy boundaries require effort to establish, but are well worth the challenge with the peace and safety they provide.

All Photos Compliments of Rambling Hearts Photography


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Basic Skills: Respecting Fences (Part 1)

27 03 2011
 
 

 

Sessions with the Farmer’s Wife:
Conventional Wisdom for Contemporary Life

March 26, 1981: John worked Ellerbroek quarter & then moved to Callenius land south of highway.  Jim had early jazz band practice & then came home to run some errands for John & help unload some seed beans.             – Leona, Personal Journal

Why do generic photos elicit such strong memories & emotions?

Every year I was in elementary school we were required to take a standardized test called the Iowa Tests of Basic Skills.  With a title like that, it’s no mystery what the purpose of the tests was – to see how competent students were at what was (and still is) considered basic skills of education.  Today we begin a series of what I deem to be the basic skills of life.  Lack of knowledge, understanding or performance of one or more of these foundational concepts is what oftentimes introduces me to my clients.  Just like knowledge is far more complex than what was assessed on the ITBS, living life well is far more complicated than just these ideas.  However, if you gain proficiently in these basic skills, many aspects of life are much easier than they would be without that ability.

Today’s concept number one is what is commonly referred to as boundaries.  Boundary issues get us into all sorts of confusing and convoluted conversations, conditions and circumstances.  Perhaps the best resource for this discussion is the book Boundaries (2001) by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend.  They state, “Boundaries define us.  They define what is me and what is not me.  A boundary shows me where I end and someone else beings, leading me to a sense of ownership.”  A simple farm analogy is the fence.  Fences do the exact same for farmers that boundaries do for individuals.  As you can see in Leona’s entry, John was driving his farm equipment around two pieces of land that are named, have location, and have specific dimensions.  Although this entry is from 1981, I guarantee you that we could travel to northwest Iowa this afternoon and find these exact same tracts of land.  Even if the fences are different or gone, the boundaries are exactly the same – 30 years later.

This Old Fence Still Makes Its Intentions Known

Here are a few principles to take away from this farming analogy:
1)  The fence line – or boundary – gives definition as to where the farmer is supposed to be, where his farm begins and ends.
2)  The fence line provides freedom for the farmer to do what he wants with his own land.
3)  The fence line provides safety and security since government and legal entities will intervene if anyone violates the farmer’s land.
4)  The fence line encourages responsibility by the farmer for his land to select seeds, fertilizer, herbicides, tillage, weed treatment and many other options for his crop.  He has the right to do nothing or something else with his land, as long as his choices don’t violate land regulations and zoning.
5)  The fence line prevents encroachment attempts and disputes, thus providing peaceful farming.
6)  Peaceful farmers encourage a safer, more strongly connected community.
7)  Fence lines provide some protection for our land and our crops.  Driving across a section of land isn’t such a great idea once you run into a fence.
8)  If the farmer wants someone else on the land, he can either open the gate for them or give them permission to be on his land.

What other principles can you assimilate from this farming analogy of fences?  I encourage you to go back through this list and read them one by one, then make the translation from the farming idea to your life.  For example, #1: The fence line gives definition as to where the farmer is supposed to be, where his farm begins and ends.  Are you aware, as an individual, where you are, where you begin and where you end?  Are you aware of who you are not and who is not you?  If not, I expect you are telling someone else how to live their life while you pay very little attention to how you are living your own life.  Or, perhaps someone else is telling you how to live your life and you take no responsibility for your own existence.  Your fences are down; you need to take some measurements and rebuild them.

While some fields have strong solid fences, occasionally more secure than what a corn field really requires, a lot of fields have no fences at all.  These are both boundary concerns.  One has too many limitations; the other doesn’t have enough.  Cloud and Townsend identify four types of boundary problems:

1. Compliants: These folks say “yes” to the bad; their gate swings open to everything. Often because of the fears related to saying, “No,” Complaints suffer much turmoil.  Once they are given permission to express their disagreement or dislike, Compliants can gain possession of their personal property – their own life!
2. Avoidants: A brick wall approach creates the opposite issue, saying “No” to the good!  Avoidants don’t let anyone in to their life. They may be unable to ask for help or to recognize their own needs.  Avoidant behavior is often taught through the example of parents or learned as a survival skill from an abusive life.
3. Controllers: These people have an opinion about everything and intend to have everyone know and follow their preference.  You can scream, “NO!” at a Controller, and he or she will just keep right on as if you never made a sound.  Somehow, they are responsible for everyone’s life – everyone’s but their own!
4. Nonresponsives: A Nonresponsive cannot hear, see or accept the needs of anyone else.  They tend to be completely self-absorbed with no intention of realizing or succumbing to the wishes of anyone else.  They don’t need you to do anything; just don’t bother them with your “trivial” preferences or problems.

My Flowers are Doing Their Best to Work with Spring!

There are a couple more ideas I’d like to present before we move on to the next basic skill, but this is plenty to chew on for today.  Take some time to go back through these ideas.  I expect everyone has a boundary issue of some sort in his/her life at one time or another.  How does all of this relate to you, your life, your relationships?  Are you a “boundary problem”?  If so, it’s a great time to get these fence lines measured out.  That’s what early Spring is all about – getting everything in line so we can do our best to sow a bumper crop this year!

Grain of Truth:  Boundaries define what is me and what is not me.  A boundary shows me where I end and someone else beings, leading me to a sense of ownership.


 


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I Lend You My Hope

23 03 2011

 

Sessions with the Farmer’s Wife:
Conventional Wisdom for Contemporary Life

March 23, 1997:  Mostly cloudy.  Temperatures seasonal I guess.  Keeps melting snow slowly.
     — Leona, Personal Journal

Sometimes I post these blogs, then remember debates I’ve heard from people who may disagree with what I propose.  That happened with this last writing about preparing for Spring and having hope that Winter will indeed end.  I considered those who are living and have been living in a very difficult place for a very long time; sometimes folks are there nearly forever.  As Leona describes in her journal, today is mostly cloudy, only seasonal temperatures, and slowly melting snow – just like your life. 

Although there are circumstances beyond our control that do not allow escape to Spring, oftentimes Spring and hope are hindered by insufficient or inefficient skills, behaviors or responses.  That’s why I believe education is a very significant component to mental well-being and enjoying, as Dr. Marsha Linehan describes, “a life worth living.”

The next set of blogs will highlight the education facet of therapy, but before we launch into that, I wanted to talk to those of you who are having a difficult time shaking Winter and expecting Spring to ever arrive.  Community is an important element in recovery and healing, so although you and I are separated by physical distance, we are a cyberspace community. 

A Community of Hope

No matter who we are, each one of us struggles at some moment in life to have hope for anything new, good, or warm.  Today, I am not struggling to hold hope.  I actually have an abundance of it – not only for me, but for you, too.  So, if you are low on hope today, hold out your hands, palms up, little fingers pressed together as if you were about to scoop up water to drink.  Your hands are empty, aren’t they? 

I am holding my hands exactly like yours, right above yours.  In contrast, my hands are overflowing with hope.  I lift my hands directly above yours and move them apart so my hope can flow from my possession into yours.  Today I lend you my hope.  Grasp it and hold onto it.  Keep it as long as you need.  Someday you will have your own supply of hope.  At that time, there may be someone close to you who will need you to lend your hope to them.  This is a significant component of a community of healing and restoration.  Use this hope as we delve into the skills and knowledge of living life better.  Hold it close to you to bring life and warmth to those areas of your life that remain chilled and barren. 

I know today may still be cloudy and cool, but I have hope that the snow will continue to melt and Spring is truly coming for your life.  Today, I lend you my hope.

Grain of Truth: I lend you my hope.


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Success is Launched in Winter – Part 5

20 03 2011

Sessions with the Farmer’s Wife:


Conventional Wisdom for Contemporary Life

March 20, 1986:  Clear, sunny, cold morning. Sheldon Coop spread lime on South 80.
March 21, 1986:  Mostly sunny and warmer. First thing the guys got the combine out and caught those 8 rows of corn that had a snow bank in them. They spent most of the day in the shop, as usual.
                         •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •
March 21, 1993:  Started snowing during early morning hours. Kept at it and some churches in area cancelled services.
March 22, 1993:  Had 11 inches of snow so roads weren’t very good til snow plow came through.                                               – Leona, Personal Journals

The Pond Across Our Road is Showing Signs of Spring's Arrival

By the time I finish composing this blog, officially Winter will have concluded and Spring will have arrived. It is presently 4:08 pm and at exactly 5:21 pm, the cold, dark, dreary, oftentimes wearisome season of Winter will be over – according to the almanac, anyway.  One of the problems with Spring Equinox, however, is that the dismissal of Winter and arrival of Spring is not quite that simple, as can be seen with Leona’s entries taken from two separate years.  In 1986, “the guys” – as we called John and Jim, were actually in the field snagging a few bushels of corn that had hung on last year’s stalks all Winter long and the Coop had spread lime on a field, too.  Not so in 1993.  Sure the Spring Equinox arrived March 20, but Winter wasn’t giving up quite so easily and no one was considering doing anything in any field.

So, too, with the season changes in our lives.  The moment that the life of Spring will return is very difficult to foresee, but something for which we want to be ready.  We’ve been highlighting several important phases as we anticipated Spring’s arrival in this Success Is Launched in Winter discussion, which included:
         1. Reflect
         2. Evaluate
         3. Investigate
         4. Plan

Today we wrap up with the final phase:
         5. Prepare

The Tulips are Hoping and Preparing for Spring. They've Felt The Warmth, and They Believe the Promise!

I think one of the most important components of preparation is to remember that Winter does not last forever.  That one idea alive in your brain will propel you forward when others may give up.  This is true of other seasons, as well, and is a concept that must be respected during the good times, too.  Barbara G. Berger, the president of Food City Markets, Inc., is quoted in Donald Trump’s book as saying, “The sun doesn’t shine forever” (p. 34, The Way to the Top: The Best Business Advice I Ever Received, 2004, Crown Business, New York).  Trump rephrases that quote as “During an upturn, prepare for a downturn.”  The agricultural version would be, “Make hay while the sun shines.” 

Those ideas are for a few months off, but for now, whether it’s sunny, warm and dry, or snowy, cold, and blustery, be assured that Spring is on its way!  But for day-to-day life, what does that matter?  What does it change?  Knowing that Winter will end and one must prepare for Spring elicits hope.  I do not know a force more powerful than hope.  Hope alters one’s mind so that physical and mental healing can take place in the darkest of illness.  Hope is what allows necessity to be the mother of invention.  Hope is what drives us to take steps that will change the course of our lives.

My Raked Garden -- Preparing for Spring!

Here are a few examples, in my little life, of hope propelling me forward:
  *I packed boxes in preparation of buying a house more appropriate for my family’s phase of life
  *I wrote songs in preparation of someday being able  to record them and, potentially, benefit others
  *I went back to college in preparation of my daily responsibilities at home diminishing and being able to contribute financially with a new career 
  *I raked the garden today preparing for the sun to warm the earth and vegetables to grow again
  *I cleaned my house preparing for a showing that someone will soon buy this house
  *I treated my children with love and respect when they were young preparing  for enjoyable holidays with them and their families when they were adults
               
While this list is far from exhaustive and may sound somewhat silly, I know that there were times in my life that Winter was cold and bitter, and I had lost all hope, so there was not an ounce of preparation for Spring going on with me.

     *One summer I lay in bed hours every day, drinking Coke and eating chocolate, clinically depressed,  ruminating on how I had been betrayed by those I trusted and vowing to never leave my home again and certainly never trust again
     *In October, 1989, I was so grief-stricken by an ectopic pregnancy and death of my baby that I did not dare to hope for another child and was not at all convinced I would ever have the strength to care for the two beautiful sons we had at that time
     *When I was in college studying music, I developed nodules on my vocal chords, followed by a devastating surgery that should never have been performed, I discovered I could not speak or sing, and gave up all expectations of ever sounding normal again

Sometime We Need a Little Assistance in the Preparation Process -- Here's Jim & Marcus Preparing Anthony for His Wedding

Thankfully, in spite of my lack of preparation for Spring, the seasons changed in my life in these and all other of my Winters, so that I have seen Spring suddenly strike on the coldest and most hopeless of days.  I’ve found myself wishing I hadn’t wasted so much time and thought holding onto Winter when Spring, with all of her warmth and color, was patiently waiting to visit me.

Some Things Hope Can Never Quite Capture Until You Get There - Me with Anthony on His Wedding Day

That is my hope for you, as well.  I have no intention of minimizing the pain, the bitterness, the grief, the agony and disappointment,  the fear and loss you have experienced.  No doubt, those experiences will change your life forever.  But so that those encounters do not define your entire existence, today I remind you that Spring is coming…and may even be here already.  It might be a cold and rough entry, like 1993 was for the Iowa farmers.  Perhaps, however, it is already warm enough for you to go without a jacket.  At least step outside and see….

Grain of Truth: Sometimes we miss the warmth and color of Spring because we’re still inside, hiding from the Winter.


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Success is Launched in Winter – Part 4

2 03 2011

 

 

 

Sessions with the Farmer’s Wife:
Conventional Wisdom for Contemporary Life

February 18, 1984:  In afternoon, Jim and Karla went to Selmer and Ann to look at the 2 houses. Their conclusion was that they would like to live in the larger one.
February 20, 1984: John and I had noon lunch with Selmer & Ann & presented them an offer on their property on the corner a mile east. They will be considering it further.        – Leona, Personal Journal

Jim installed laminate in much of our house

I hope you’ve been making good use of the many Winter days that have clipped by since I last wrote.  Although I had hoped to give you a few days to contemplate and make use of the earlier entries, I never intended for it to be nearly two months!  Jim and I really made the most of this actual Winter season in that we refurbished much of our house in preparation of selling it; we looked at other houses and made an offer on a short sale; we took a week-long vacation to Jamaica; and we’ve been helping with long-distance wedding plans for Anthony and Corinne who will be married in 10 days!  So although there has been no time for writing, we have been truly practicing what we preach.  And since most old photographs are packed away in a big blue trailer in hopes of moving, I’ll share some of our latest pictures instead.

Jim & I scuba diving off Jamaica

I originally mentioned 5 components to launching success.  They are:
        1. Reflect
        2. Evaluate
        3. Investigate
        4. Plan
        5. Prepare
My family has been weaving in and out of all of these phases with the various projects we’ve been making.  Today’s focus is on stages 3 & 4, Investigate and Plan. 

Leona’s journal entries are from 1984, the year Jim and I were married.  With our firstborn son’s wedding only moments away, it seems curious and appropriate that we revisit the year we were married.  Our wedding was April 14.  In February — the dates of these entries — Jim and I were at Iowa State University working on our degrees.  When we completed college in May, we planned to return to Jim’s family’s farm and begin our life there.  In order for that to happen, Jim’s parents were investigating options for us to live.  The housing market in Iowa — unlike what we face here in Colorado Springs — is really quite limited, so for there to be an acreage just a mile down the road available at this moment in time was quite fortunate.   That acreage is still owned by the farm corporation, although both of the houses that we looked at in 1984 are gone and Leona lives there in a house she and John built in the 1990s.

If you could peruse the Winter months in Leona’s other journals, you would read again and again of the farmers investigating and planning.  Winter is when the seed dealers host dinners to inform the farmers of the new seed varieties that are available for planting.  There are negotiations for buying and renting land, and also for doing custom farm work.  Machinery shows display the newest and the best of what they have to offer, as well as presenting the latest inventions to make farming more efficient.  Indoor arenas are swamped with swarms of Carhartt-clad farm families attending the annual farm exhibition demonstrating everything from the latest farm-focused computer programs to quarter million dollar combines.  All of these activities are the investigation and planning processes that are really only appropriate for Winter.  Once Spring planting hits, there are no farm shows.  You don’t have time to be buying and selling land or houses either; it would be foolishness.  But Winter, much can be learned and discovered in Winter.  Lives can change if you use the Winter of your life well.

How do these investigating and planning phases translate into real life?  First off, you need to make a few decisions about where you’re heading or at least choose some options of what you’re interested in doing.  Farmers farm, of course, so there’s a default that already provides direction for them.  But farming is very broad.  Will you raise livestock?  What crops will you plant?  Do you want to do custom work or have someone rent your land?  Many people get discouraged because they aren’t going anywhere, but if you ask them where they want to go, they have no idea.  Think of how discouraging it would be for a farmer to get to early June — a time considered nearly too late to plant — and have all bare fields because he never stopped in Winter to consider what he wanted to do with his land.  He would be laughed at by everyone.  And if no one bailed him out somehow, he likely would have no income or food for an entire year.  The same is true for those of us who are of the none-farming variety.  If you don’t have a place you intend to go, you won’t get there.  Guaranteed.

Paths of Choices

I give clients the simple arrows diagram you see here, Paths of Choices. (Click here for a .pdf version: Paths of Choices (WhiteArrows).)  The goal is to start at the top — the Results.  Decide where you want to go.  Once you determine your goal, go back to the bottom and determine, step-by-step, how to get there.  You see there is both a Foolish Choices Path and a Wise Choices Path.  Sometimes realizing where we’re heading with the foolish decisions we make will help us discover where we really want to go.  All along the Wise Choices Path, a person should investigate and gain new knowledge and information.  Just like with farming, things are always changing; there are always new options, but just because the option is “new” doesn’t mean it is actually “wise.” 

What looked to be a long, cold, dreary Winter is nearly over!  Make use of these last few days of cold, snow-laden Winter to get your mind and heart and life in order.  I’m hearing reports of robins!  They’ll be showing up in your life soon enough, too!

Grain of Truth: Don’t be deceived by Winter’s final cold days!  There are plenty of information to investigate and direction to decide before the planting days arrive!


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