Sessions with the Farmer’s Wife:
Conventional Wisdom for Contemporary Life
“Grieving allows us to heal, to remember with love rather than pain. It is a sorting process. One by one you let go of things that are gone and you mourn for them. One by one you take hold of the things that have become part of who you are and build again.” — Rachel Naomi Remen, In Worden, 2009
Our last visit to Grandpa's farm before his death (July, 2009)
As I’ve been thinking about reflecting and evaluating, it occurred to me that oftentimes we look back with sadness, disappointment and grief about the past. Although today’s quote is not taken from Leona’s journal, it is not that Leona has not faced grief, but because I do not have last year’s journal in my possession. Leona – and all of our family – faced quite a season of grief beginning on August 30, 2009, when Leona’s husband, John R, my dad-in-law, died suddenly from a massive heart attack. Within the next 5 months, 3 more siblings of either John or Leona passed away, and our families were thrown into what felt like a perpetual season of grief.
Although we often correlate grief with the death of a loved one, in actuality many situations create a season of mourning. Grief comes from loss of opportunity (perhaps a feeling of deep disappointment), from loss of natural experience (such as “growing up too fast”), or from loss of something important to us (a job or a home, for example). Persons who are molested or abused lose their innocence and their safety. Society seldom recognizes these losses as moments of mourning, resulting in unresolved grief.
As you reflect and evaluate, it is important to scan for moments of unresolved grief in your earlier seasons. Are there people you love who are no longer with you – whether from death or from circumstances? Has the loss of employment, your home, your career, your hopes and dreams left you empty and numb? Are there memories haunting you that remind you every moment to not trust, to not hope, to not allow others into your world? If so, you may be dealing with unresolved grief.
J. Eric Gentry, PhD, LMHC, knowledgeable and highly respected traumatologist (www.compassionunlimited.com) has compiled information and exercises to assist a person processing through grief and mourning, whether as the result of a loved one’s death or countless other painful experiences. He indicates that grief and mourning has several “tasks” and lists them as:
1. Accept the Reality of the Loss
2. Process the Pain of Grief
3. Adjust to a World without the Deceased (Object)
a. External Adjustments
b. Internal Adjustments
c. Spiritual Adjustments
4. Find an Enduring Connection with the Deceased in the
Midst of Embarking on a New Life
If a person gets “stuck” in these tasks, the grieving process is unresolved or incomplete, which can hinder and handicap a person from moving forward in a healthy and productive manner. Don’t be mistaken, anyone who faces grief will forever be changed. This change does not need to be a debilitating force, but can transform into a life-producing energy.
Below is one exercise that may be beneficial to move you through these tasks. Please keep in mind that grieving is a very personal process and one that usually takes longer than anyone wishes it would. It is also a cyclical process where you come around again and again to address what feels like the same thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I call that the onion-layer effect; each time going a little deeper.
Also know that the past will always be with us, whereas this moment is fleeting. What I mean is be in charge of how you process and work through experiences from previous seasons. Take it a few minutes at a time. It may be helpful to use a notebook and a shoebox. Keep a brief record of your thoughts and ideas as you process through these difficult things. When it gets to be emotionally enough or when it is time that you need to get back to your present life, put your notebook in your shoebox. Set it on a shelf in your closet and close the door. Tell yourself, “I’ll come back to that when I’m ready. Right now, I’m going to live and enjoy my life.”
While this exercise is directed toward a loved one’s death, it is beneficial in processing grief from other situations; adjust the process to fit. Take time to feel, express, and be finished with the emotions and thoughts of grief.
Write a letter to the deceased addressing the following four tasks:
1. Identify all the ways in which the deceased/lost caused you harm;
move toward forgiveness.
2. Identify all the ways in which you caused the deceased/lost harm;
move towards amends.
3. Articulate all the un-communicated emotional statements.
4. Say good bye.
John R's Funeral Flowers
Sometimes taking an honest look back on the past seasons uncovers difficult and painful information. No one ever died from pain, so don’t be afraid of it. Also, don’t allow it to overwhelm you and prevent you from heading into the next season. On the farm, death is a normal, natural component to every growing season. If we take time during the Winters to clean up from last year, we’ll be better prepared for the next growing season, which really isn’t that far off. In order for us to launch success, Winter requires some difficult work.
Leona (right) with 4 of the Remaining Siblings - at the Time (She and her 2 sisters married John R and his 2 brothers. They've lived on their respective farms within 3 miles of one another ever since.)
As we conclude, I want you to know that I am sorry for all of the losses you’ve experienced. Leona and I both understand completely. You’ve done good work today.
Grain of Truth: There are tasks of grieving and mourning that, although difficult to process through, will help launch success in the next growing season.
Sessions International 